k but seriously, throughout the night i kept thinking about the dynamics behind us. so therefore without acting like too much of a dramamama, i decided to make a chronicle of my jc life, just for the fun of it (coz i'm really REALLY bored at home). so maybe people can understand jc life a bit better. read this objectively, especially my jc friends. not meant to offend anybody.
so here goes...woo....
my first three months in CJ were the closest to hell i'd ever get. they were terrible. it was as if being in a whole different environment, breathing different air..i felt so far from home..which is ridiculous really since singapore is as it is..need i say more? i guess i was so used to temasek being like 5 minutes away from home such that i hated the 1 and a 1/2 hr journey home from jc. but i won't linger much on cj when the bulk of my jc life took place in tpjc.
people don't have a good impression of tpjc. when i talk to my church friends and such, people put tpjc down like they don't care at all (which to be realistic, they really dont). sometimes although it's not personal, it kinda hurts that they think that of your school u know? especially when they think they're so high and mighty and all...but on a certain level, i gotta admit that tpjc is not the smartest, we don't have the most school spirit and our uniform is not the nicest. but i did make lots of friends in the school and i did have my fun.
in JC1 i was a slacker, not saying that i'm not anymore, but i was totally a slacker back then..haha...it doesn't help that there's tampines mall on the way home from school. tash and i would go catch a movie practically every other day after school. we watched every movie available that year. this is another good thing about being in jc. parents don't question why you stay out so late, they assume that you're in school having lessons or having cca. that's the advantage of not having a standard end-of-school bell. so with all this slacking, it was no wonder that i almost didn't get promoted to JC2. i got a DEO for my promos.i really should have studied more. i hung out with deb, tash and mag mostly in jc. to tell u the truth i would sometimes get so irritated with them for not going for classes and for brushing it off so nonchalantly. yet i couldn't say anything, i wasn't miss goody two-shoes myself. they used to think i was very hardworking, when i actually wasn't, it was just that they were freaking lazy.
i felt really lonely in JC1. my friends were talkers..they were talking constantly, and if u know me, i don't really talk that much, so usually i would just sit aside and listen to them. sometimes i thought that i was only sitting with them coz my cousin was in this group. i was really depressed at that time. not to mention extremely lonely. i couldn't show it though coz nobody likes someone who's always moody and down, it just doesn't work. so i just kept everything to myself. that's also why i don't say why i'm angry whenever i am. coz it would be for some really petty reason, and i didn't want my friends to think i was being petty. many things happened that year, especially to deb. there was this instance where it seemed that everyone knew what was going on with deb and i didn't and i was so so angry that she didn't wanna tell me, coupled already with the feeling that they didn't want me around, it was almost unbearable. yet i got through the year.
in JC2 my new year resolution was to work harder, attend classes more punctually, and not allow people to get to me. i wanted to be my own person and not copy traits off my friends to get people to like me. so that's what i did. year 2003 started out pretty well for me. i still did pon classes, it's almost inevitable in JC, especially if you're in tpjc, and you're in arts. nobody in arts has no ponned before. seriously. but overall it was much better. except for econs. my previous econs teacher had left to go to MJ to head a department or something like that. he was the best econs teacher in the school and he had to leave...leaving us with a witch. she literally tortured us..especially the four of us..she always said that she did everything for our own good and it wasn't personal, but it felt that way. everytime she asked a question she would almost always ask one of the four of us to answer. she would never get any of the others who did well for the promos to answer her questions even though sometimes, or even most of the time, they wouldn't know the answers too. so following that scenario, if she always asked us difficult questions that nobody knew how to answer, and therefore we didn't know how to answer, wouldn't she think that we only got stupider than we already were? so i decided to study for econs. i listened during all the lectures and i went home to study until FINALLY she got off my case. and when she gets off your case she totally gets off ur case. so i lived my second year of college like that..doing better in my subjects in general. i liked listening in to lectures, sue me for that bit of nerdiness..but i really did, i wanted to get all my notes down. i hated those people who would talk during lectures, especially people beside me. it was really extremely irritating. and what more when they know they're disturbing and irritating you and they still do it. isn't that just inconsiderate? that's why i like sitting beside poon in lectures..he just keeps quiet and writes his notes, not saying that he totally ignored me, he just didn't chatter away. oh yea i hate it when people come for lecture, talk through the whole lect and then ask for your notes after that coz they didn't get the notes down themselves. how irritating is that?
so A levels drew nearer and nearer....i started hanging out with the arts guys or so we call them, because deb tash and mag preferred to study at home whereas i couldn't get any studying done at home. i'm really thankful for poon, gabe, ivan, jm and yez for accompanying me while i study...especially for poon. the school library would be open till 9 during exam period so i would try to stay till as late as i could to get studying done..i kinda felt hardworking during that time..haha...i always tried to leave a bit earlier than the guys coz even though i'm their friend and i study with them, they're still a clique and i'm still the only girl there. i really did study hard for the prelims and i still ended up getting a DDE. it was quite depressing. tash got a CDD and poon got DEE. i kept wondering how tash did it...how she always managed to better than us when she said that she didn't study much. sometimes it definitely is quite frustrating knowing that you studied so hard yet u can't do better than someone else. therefor i can understand how poon felt. he was probably the most hardworking among the three of us yet he always did the worst. sometimes we would say that it was coz he was always so proud, boasting about all the subjects that he'd finished studying and that this was his retribution. well we'd never know.
i didn't study as hard for the As as i did for prelims. i would constantly go to gelare with the guys to study but we wouldn't get much studying done. more than i would have gotten done at home though, i guess. yet still, i wasn't enough. on more occassions than one after studying with them, i would think back and wonder how much i had actually studied and after that get really scared realising that i hadn't studied much at all. yet i wouldn't trade those study sessions for anything, it was great fun hanging out with them.
there was always one thing i couldn't miss out in my preparations for the As though, and that was the consultations..both lit and econs consultations. other people said that they could get the work done by themselves and that going for consultations would be wasting their time but i beg to differ. i remember my civics tutor saying to us at the beginning of our second year that those students who went for consultations before the As generally for better results than those who chose to skip the consultations. it makes sense rite? i mean who knows the exams better than the teachers?? the consultations really helped, especially lit consultations..as gabe put it ' i think i learnt more in those few consultations than i did the whole 2 years'. econs consultations were great too! the witch managed to compact everything such that it was easy to understand and easy to bring into the exam hall for, dare i say, regurgitation. i ended up getting ABC for the As..better than i expected. I owe my results to God.looking at my performance for the past 2 years i don't think i deserve those results. i think everybody got what they deserved except poon. i still feel sorry for him coz he really did study hard.
when i was studying, somewhere along the line, my two groups of friends - the arts guys, and tash and deb merged sort of. i started getting rather resentful coz i thought that gabe and yez, ivan and jm were closer to tash and deb than they were to me. i mean...i was the first one in and yet the rest of the are closer? isn't that a bit unfair in theory??
till today i still feel that way. that i'm very excluded from the group. that gabe and yez prefer deb and tash to me. it may be childish but i know there's some truth in it. that's what i was thinking about at shanghai sally's and that's what's been bothering me the past few days. that's why i don't feel like going out whenever there are these kind of gathering, that's why i don't want to go out for dinner with tash and deb.
that's why when i won prom queen i knew that i didn't really deserve it coz none of my friends had voted for me. only strangers.
i know this confession is rather loserish but cliche as it may sound, maybe some people can identify with it. it brings me furthur down a notch from perfection. but nobody's perfect and everyone's jealous of someone else. i like being center of attention, i don't deny that, but i've been trying so many ways and means to make people prefer me such that i've become so frustrated and i've run out of ideas. so for now i'm still trying to be fine and dandy with being me and accepting myself. if i can't accept myself, how can i expect people to accept me? that day when i went for my audition, the producer said that i've got to appear bigger than i am..and if i can't achieve that in reality, i've got to create that perception and that's exactly what i'm gonna do. (i passed my audition by the way!!)
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